In September, I was a pallbearer at my grandfather’s funeral. He was 93 years old, healthy and mentally sharp up until about two weeks before he passed away.
Five days later, on a Sunday, we attended a big party to celebrate the 100th birthday of my wife’s grandmother. She is healthy, sharp and as wonderful as ever.
My grandfather was my dad’s foster father. I was not related to him by blood, but he was every bit my grandfather.
I am also (obviously) not related by blood to my wife’s grandmother, but she is every bit my grandmother.
“Family isn’t always blood, it’s the people in your life who want you in theirs: the ones who accept you for who you are, the ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.” – Maya Angelou
One of the events had more tears than the other (though both had their fair share). Otherwise, they were remarkably similar. Both involved picture slide shows that started with grainy black and white photos and progressed through time to selfies recently captured on smart phones. Both included seeing family and friends who were last seen months, years or even decades before. Both gave us the chance to swap old stories. Primarily, both included a lot of hugs and tons of laughter.
I believe that the two of them met only once – at our wedding. But they came from a similar background and a similar era. Both were raised during the Great Depression, poor and on farms – one in Tennessee and one in Texas. Different in some ways but similar in so many others.
A week like this, with two highly emotional events so close together, naturally leads to some reflection. I spent a lot of quiet moments thinking about the legacy of both of them and that of my other grandparents who have passed away. The legacy of their lives clearly impacted generations of family and friends, but as I sit here with tears in my eyes, writing to process my emotions, I can’t help but consider what they meant to me personally, and how they’ve shaped the person I am today.
Following are a few reflections on lessons I learned from my grandparents:
- Families are expansive and have little to do with blood. When, where and how my grandparents were raised required that communities help each other to survive, which meant that both of them were eager to welcome and accept others. Strangers quickly become friends, and friends quickly become family. At both the funeral and birthday party, I was struck by the diversity of people who shared no genetic ties to one another but who considered themselves family. I wish to build a community like that.
- Hardships are to be overcome, not dwelled upon. They lived through the Great Depression, World War II and the Cold War, as well as multiple governmental and financial crises. They lost parents, siblings, friends and even children. They were hurt by people, and hurt people themselves. Surely they felt betrayed, belittled and looked down upon. They lost jobs, ran out of money and didn’t know how they would make it. Yet, you hardly knew about any of those things, because all the hard things are to be expected and endured. The thing is to just keep going. I wish for that kind of resilience.
- Joy is found quietly. Fishing, sewing, reading, gardening, thinking, talking. They never hurry through a conversation or get distracted by their phone when someone is speaking with them. They are present. They are grateful you are present with them. They delight in children and can bridge generational gaps to make little children feel comfortable. I wish for that kind of peace.
- The difference between right and wrong is clear. They do not understand how others might be confused by this. They work on the principle of letting your word be enough. Handshakes aren’t necessary but are certainly binding. They show up, do the work, and exchange an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. They honor commitments even when it hurts. I wish for that kind of integrity.
- Always be loyal to the team. Being in your nineties gives you more time to read the sports page and watch every game (Go Cowboys and Braves!), but they are just as passionate about rooting for everyone they love. They want you to win just as much as you do. They are cheering for you even when you don’t know it. And they think you are a winner even when you don’t. I wish to be that supportive.
As I looked around at the crowds at these two events, I was amazed at how the actions of these two individuals have rippled through time to impact so many others – many here and many already gone. It is humbling to think of how the legacy of my actions might do the same. I pray for wisdom to do things that will bring that kind of love among people.
Mostly though, I am so grateful to have experienced the unconditional love of a grandparent. They love you uniquely from anyone else in your life. I hope you have experienced receiving that kind of love.
More importantly, I hope we all get to experience giving unconditional love to others.
Continue reading “Lessons Caught, Not Taught: Experiential Learning & Leadership” for more insights to deepen your leadership journey.