This article was originally published by Fast Company.
In many sports, when coaches evaluate athletes, they are often trying to gauge their reaction times. A reaction time that is only a thousandth of a second faster can be the difference between making the save or allowing the goal. Fast reaction times are useful and even lifesaving in many situations. When a driver sees another car illegally entering their lane, a quick reaction can be the difference between life and death. But in many aspects of life, quick reactions can get us into trouble.
All of us know someone with a “short fuse.” When presented with something they don’t like, they go from calm and pleasant to angry and explosive in an instant. Their reactions are destructive and cause people to tiptoe around them. People like this find it difficult to build intimacy in relationships because those around them are reluctant to be vulnerable enough to share something that might upset them. Even if we aren’t someone who is quick to anger, all of us experience intense emotions when faced with certain situations. These can be things we perceive as potential sources of physical, psychological, emotional, or reputational harm; those that trigger a surge of emotions and hormones designed for self-protection; or anything that challenges something we believe in or value. These situations command our full and immediate attention and trigger our most primal fight or flight instincts. The need to react becomes urgent.
As leaders, we are continually faced with decisions that impact ourselves and others. Often, a quick reaction in these situations can hurt more than help us. One discipline that has benefited my leadership journey is realizing when I am reacting instead of responding. In my lexicon, reactions are “in the moment” -those instinctual actions that are caused by some outside stimulus. You insult or threaten me, and I react by insulting or threatening you. Responses, on the other hand, involve a pause between the stimulus and my action. You insult me, and I wait for a moment to consider my response. That pause is the key. It’s what allows us to consider all the things that drive our decisions- not merely our emotions or instincts, but also our beliefs, values, and hopefully our desire for how the action is going to impact us and others over the long term. The greater the impact of the decision and the more emotion I feel around it, the longer of a pause I probably need.
This is why we (hopefully) take time to make big life decisions. We seek advice, do research, make lists of pros and cons, and consider alternatives. We don’t want to rush into a job, relationship, or purchase that we may regret. It’s also why when we see someone else making a big decision in haste, we worry for them.
Athletes train situations over and over so that during a game, they recognize what’s happening and instinctively know how to react. A goalkeeper doesn’t have time to sit and think, “I wonder if I should go out of the box to get that ball?” By the time he’s asked the question, the other team has already scored. He needs to react instantly to the situation, but it’s vital to his team that he reacts in the right way. How can leaders train so that our reactions are the right ones?
- Learn to recognize intense emotions. Remember that actions driven solely by intense emotions are often going to damage relationships
- Practice the art of the pause. Whenever possible, allow yourself the space to consider (not ignore) your emotions, but also your values and long-term desires before responding.
- Train your reactions. Create conscious awareness of your values and purpose and think about how they will play out in the emotionally charged and/or challenging situations you will inevitably face.
